For years, I struggled with feeling not good enough, feeling not seen, feeling not strong enough and isolated from having a meaningful connection to others. I had a great successful job as a wealth manager at a large brokerage firm. As a woman, I had some different challenges to face that you as man might not, but I still pushed through to gain the success I wanted.

However, in addition to those challenges, like you, I felt all the pressures a man would have on top of that. You see my dad never considered I could be born a girl. He, my mother, and my whole family had expected me to be a boy who would follow in his footsteps in the family business. He and my mother were successful in their careers so much so they were both recognized by the state and US Congress as outstanding citizens during my junior year of high school. My mother made it clear that she would not derail her career any more than she had for another child. All of their hopes, dreams and expectations fell on me. Their plan to have a boy who was intelligent, a scholar, emotionally invulnerable, top athlete, popular, and basically perfect didn’t change. I was expected to deny who I was and fulfill that plan. I played on hardball teams rather than softball teams. I played football rather than swam. I didn’t get holidays or vacations like my friends because when I wasn’t in school, I worked in the fields of our family agriculture business. This pattern continued into high school, college, grad school and then my career.

I had always worked around men in a competitive environment. I couldn’t relate or connect to my female counterparts. All I knew was that I was to be successful, dominate in my field, provide for my family (if one ever occurred), never show emotions, and to treat the people in my life as secondary to me and my success. My work environment resembled the movie, The Wolf of Wall Street. At work, the men saw women as prey, and there was no way I was going to be that. Like my male co-workers, I became a predator at work and in my dating life. I became as much of an arrogant ass as the men I worked with.

Still, no matter how much money I made or perceived power and control I had, it all was an empty shell of shame, pain, disappointment, and loneliness. I took pride in my isolation, autonomy, not being emotional and definitely not being vulnerable. Soon it became this armor I lost decades living in. I realized there had to be more out there than this.

First, I got a therapist. I tried for years, but it just kept me stuck in the past and not moving forward. Second, I tried self-help books. Then, I tried making more female friends since they were to be good at the emotional stuff. Oh trust me, I had become just as ignorant as some of my male friends. Last, I turned to religion and spirituality. I thought if I was devoted enough or perfect enough, grace would come to me but it didn’t. I even tried bargaining with my higher power, yet the reality was that the courage, compassion and coping skills I so desperately need were not going to be downloaded into my head. I still had to do the heavy lifting.

However, none it helped. I realized that the change I desired could only come from me doing some hard work on me. When I was in my early 40’s, a friend of mine asked if this is what I wanted my life to look like when I was 50? It was the best slap in the face I could have gotten. I realized that it was time to stop worrying about what others thought and get vulnerable. It was time to face my fears and dig into the scars from my past, the pain, the shame, all the rejection, and meet me … the real ME.

Wow was I amazing! It was a journey of courage and curiosity to get to where I am today, but it was worth it. I had to learn how to leave my own prison of masculinity behind and embrace myself not defined by traditional limiting views of masculinity, femininity or success and uncover the person locked deep inside me.

Now you may say, “She just a chick how could she know what I feel as a guy?” or say, “I need to learn from a man who gets me.”. Well, let me tell you the hard shitty truth – Men aren’t helping men. There is a small population of men over 30 who have begun to redefine masculinity for other men, but they are few and far between. Second, studies have shown men feel more comfortable exploring shame, fear and vulnerability with a woman. Third, in order to work on our shame, fear, compassion and vulnerability so that we can actually connect to another human being, you need to have someone who has already done the work and is strong enough to create a safe judgement-free space.

I am that person.

As Einstein pointed out so wisely,”Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.”. Maybe it’s time you tried something new.

Is what you have been doing working for you?

Is happiness magically falling in your lap?

Are the people in your life creating safe spaces for you to grow, heal and feel seen?

If not, it’s time for a change because what is your other option - Staying unhappy?

You are worth it. Click the link below and take the first step towards being seen, being heard, being accepted and the courage to create lasting change in your own life.

After all, all you have to lose is your anger, frustration, unhappiness, shame and loneliness.